Signs of the Apocalypse

10 05 2013

photoIn the past week I’ve noticed some strange sightings. First of all, my heart sank when I noticed, what I thought was, a dead puppy on the side of the road. I’m a big fan of dogs, huge fan, and this broke my heart. I was also angry that someone would hit a dog with their car and make no effort to properly discard it. So, I pulled off for further inspection. I anticipated a medium-sized, fluffy dog…perhaps a chocolate lab. What I found was an enormous beaver! Let me tell you something, there is absolutely no substantial body of water anywhere near the intersection where this beaver was hit. I live in the DC metro area…is this thing someone’s pet? I don’t know if it is beaver mating season  and this dude just went nuts looking for a girl, but he was definitely outside of his neighborhood. I’ve read articles recently where beavers have indeed attacked and killed people in the past year and after giving this dude the once over, I belive it. He was absolutely huge. I have seen beavers while trout fishing and have even had a small one swim through my legs before but I’ve never see one this big. Insane. So what did I do? Left it there like the last guy did. No way I was touching this thing.

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The same week I came across this striking couple. I was in the Safeway parking lot when I noticed a black bear strolling between some cars. Rather than scream black bear and run, I closed in on this monster for further inspection. The owner identified this hog of a dog as a Russian Terrier. He doesn’t look like any terrier I’ve ever seen. The guy was so proud of him and I must say, he was a pretty cool dog. Very docile and friendly. But seriously, from 50 feet, this thing looked exactly like a black bear. How do you research a dog like this? Who do you call and what do you ask? “Hey, I’m looking for a dog that looks exactly like a bear…you got one of those?” “Also, ya got any beavers?”

In other news, my baby boy is awesome? He is 9 weeks old now and is turning into a small man. He likes everything I do; eating, sleeping, pooing. Rinse and repeat. Because of my new parental responsibilities, I took a substantial break from standup but have hit the stage a few times in the last 2 weeks. It was a good break too because I honestly forgot how much fun it is to be onstage. I think I was looking at it as basically a job for the past year or so but my short hiatus has re-motivated me.

I performed at the Drafts and Laughs show two weeks ago and had a blast. I performed with 4 other comedians; Rob Maher, Danny Rouhier, Joe Robinson, and Jeff Maurer. All these guys are extremely funny but also very unique in their performance and personalities so it made for a diverse show. And, in my experience, diverse is a great thing when it comes to comedy. Diversity can come in many different forms; age, gender, race, etc. But in my opinion, the more diversity, the better the show. And, in some ways I think the same holds true for life in general. So, take care of your pet beaver, adopt a black bear, and hire five very different comedians. Different is better. You’re welcome.






Jake Michael Mumma

23 03 2013

IMG_1049Well, a few weeks ago I became a dad; below is my little man, Jake. He is so much fun already and I believe I’ve done good work here. So what does this mean for you, my 5 blog followers? Well, expect more material based on fatherhood and tons of parenting stories that are hilarious to me but bore the socks off everyone else. I can’t wait.

I took two weeks off from work to hang out with this guy and I have loved it. Some men would tell you that they could never stay at home full time with their kid(s). I am not that guy. I would love to stay home full-time. I could totally be a Mr. Mom and while I admit I’d probably be fairly mediocre at it, I would love trying. Certainly, my child would miss out on some so-called “essentials like: stimulating arts and crafts, regular diaper changes, and a consistent diet and feeding schedule. But, I would make up for it with TONS of cartoons, a ridiculous amount of popsicles, and at least 6 naps per day. I will need to figure out the whole regular income and healthcare thing but I’m excited about the future.

I’ve been taking some time off from the stage but I do have some shows coming up in a few weeks so check out the upcoming shows page for those dates.

Settling in…

29 01 2013

Idesktop items seriously think I forgot that I have a blog. Most people use twitter or Facebook to communicate to the world but not me, I’m old school.  I still communicate with the world by writing a blog every three months that four people read. I’m at peace with it.

I have been super busy; I started a new job in October and I have a baby due in five weeks. I still manage to muscle some folks into letting me on their stage as well but time has been at a premium lately. Apparently, babies need a lot of stuff; And, apparently, I did not realize this. People keep telling me things like, “your life is going to completely change” or ” get ready cause you have no idea what you’re getting into.” I certainly appreciate the reality check but honestly, I always expected my life would change and I’m pretty sure I won’t know what to do when it does. It seems fairly logical. I mean, someday soon a middle-aged jewish man (our doctor) or a small Vietnamese lady (our other doctor) is going to pull a small child from my wife’s womb, clean it off, and then hand it to us and say, ” alright this is yours now.” On paper, this appears to be a pretty daunting task. Personally, I can’t wait.

I’m settling in folks. I did the math today and I am 33% of the way to my federal govt retirement. The picture above pretty much sums up my life at this point; I eat apples at my desk, I keep protein bars in my office so it looks like I’m healthy, and I’m good for probably 2-3 hand sanitizing sessions per day. I’m getting some gray on the sides, I continue to lose hair, and all my ties have stains on them. I went to bed at 10:30pm last Friday and 11:00pm on Saturday. I actually said, “I really need to powerwash that siding…” to my wife over the weekend. My favorite material possession right now is the new umbrella a co-worker gave me and I have been obsessed with granola for the past year.

I need a kid, people. This baby will justify my propensity for taking multiple naps during the day. He will legitimize my hesitance to leave my house…ever. When people ask me why I never post on Facebook or why it takes me three days to text them back, I can now simply respond, “the kid.” This makes sense to me.

Most people hate rainy days. I love them, always have. I think the main reason why I like them is because they eliminate the worries and anxieties of life…at least for me. There is very little expectation from anyone when it rains. Why didn’t you do anything yesterday? “Well, it rained all day so….” That’s good enough for most people. And, if you actually do something when it rains, people think you are some sort of hero. “You did what? …in the rain?” Yes, I did do that….in the rain, because I’m awesome.

I will actually venture out of the house this coming Saturday to perform on a showcase at the DC Improv (Check my upcoming shows page). The show starts at 8pm and I’m looking forward to slinging some jokes. Some of my friends will be on the show as well and this old guy is looking forward to catching up with them. The show is in the lounge, which only holds 60 people, so it will most definitely sell out. You should consider this an entertainment option for your Saturday night. And, if it rains, we will be heroes!

Bad dancer…good mustache

7 06 2012

I was searching through some old files on my computer and came across this gem. I witnessed this trainwreck while on vacation in the Dominican Republic several years ago. The resort we stayed at held this competition to crown the “resort’s number one stud.” If memory serves me, this pineapple came in second place to a young, ripped, good looking guy who could actually dance a little bit. I was quite dissapointed as I obviously could care less about young, ripped, good looking guys. This dude was amazingly bad at every challenge he was offered and the crowd was torn between rooting for “awesomely bad” vs most deserving competitor. We stayed at the Grand Palladium which was a very international resort with many different countries represented. I’m pretty sure this guy was from Canada…not that that means anything.

Who has 4 thumbs and 2 receding hairlines? …these guys!

14 03 2012

I just got finished with a tiring yet splendid, yes splendid, weekend of comedy. I featured for Kevin Pollak at Magooby’s Joke House from Thursday through Saturday. All the shows were fantastic although the late Saturday show holds a special place in my heart for being extra….special. Kevin is a tremendous character actor but he got his start as a standup comedian. After working in over 50 feature films, he is still hitting the stage when he’s not acting. Pretty cool.

I have to say that everytime I work Magooby’s the club gets better. The owner, Andrew Unger, is constantly making upgrades. In just the past year I’ve seen changes in the lighting, the sound, new paint job, show production, new green room, club policies, and promotions. He pays attention to all the small details  that help comedians and make their work much easier. Nicely done, sir.

On Sunday, I stopped by the DC Improv to catch old buddy Rory Scovel and new buddy, Todd Glass. I met Rory at the 5th open mic I ever attended and amazingly we have managed to keep in touch over the past 7  years. Rory has pretty much been on the road for the better part of 5  years and his hard work is paying off. In just the past year he was on Jimmy Fallon, Conan, two national commercials, and just filmed a comedy central presents. Yet, he is still the same silly, humble guy. Love him.

Rory is also good friends with Todd Glass. I opened for Todd my 3rd year of comedy but it wasn’t until a few months ago that we actually hung out. Todd Glass may be the silliest person I have ever met. He may also be the most fun person on earth. He has the ability to basically make friends with the entire audience in an hour. Its difficult to explain but I encourage all 11 of my blog followers to check him out next time he is in town.

Here is a teaser clip of the PBS show “The Truth About Money” show that was filmed at the DC Improv last week. Money!

Why do I do this?

29 02 2012

I intended to start a series of blogs discussing my worst gigs ever but decided to delay that release to discuss a very frustrating evening. I was booked to close a show at Finnegan’s Bar in Herndon, VA. The show was scheduled to start at 9:30pm which in the comedy world means 10pm so I expected a late night. The minute I arrive I asked where the show would take place and was pointed towards the stage which was located directly in front of the bar and beneath two wide screens. It is hilarious that I just mentioned this setup in my previous blog…it is the classic bar comedy show set up. I’ve seen it 100 times. I’ve done it 100 times. Whatever.

At this point, I was feeling a tad nauseous and my stomach was hurting so I asked for the bathroom location. A fellow comic pointed the way and I quickly made my way to there. Without getting too graphic, lets just say my ailment would require some private time. Fortunately, the bathroom stall was a filthy mess and the lock didn’t work. Not only did it not work but the stall door would just swing open on its hinge without even being pushed. There was absolutely ZERO chance I was going to conduct business under those circumstances. Conveniently, this was the only stall on the premises. Great design. So, I informed a fellow comic that I was going to walk across the street to find a bathroom.

Unfortunately, just about every establishment was closed except for Zpizza. As I walked inside I realized there was a public bathroom but it was located all the way in the back and I would have to walk right by the staff to get to it. Considering the damage I was about to inflict on the toilet, I felt rude to just walk in there and unload my cargo without at least buying something. So, even though I wasn’t hungry, I paid $10 for a small pizza for the rights to use their bathroom. Trust me when I say, “time was of the essence.” Plus, can you imagine the stories these guys would tell about me if I hadn’t bought the pizza? They would talk forever about the time the psycho walked into their parlor, DESTROYED the commode, and walked right out. I had to buy the pizza….it was the right thing to do.

I pinched a loaf, grabbed the pizza, and walked over the Finnegan’s. I sat down at the comic’s table and asked if they wanted the pizza since I really wasn’t even hungry. Immediately, the owner/manager/bartender guy pounced on me. I don’t remember his exact words but they involved several F-bombs while he told me to get rid of the pizza or get out of his bar. I was immediately enraged. I tried for about 30 seconds to explain to him that his non-functioning stall could be blamed for the entire incident and if he had been more attentive to his bar, the situation could have been avoided. Not surprisingly, the conversation went nowhere. Plus, I sorta dropped the whole thing as I had made up my mind at minute .36  I was leaving.

I apologized to the other comics and took my pizza home. On the way home, while raging, I decided to sample the mushroom pizza. It was easily the worst pizza I have ever eaten which is hard to imagine considering I have an incredible tolerance for crappy pizza. It tasted like a diaper. Absolutely wretched.

In looking back at tonight, I really can’t blame the bar owner/manager guy for taking umbrage with me bringing a pizza into his establishment. However, he could easily see that I had ordered a drink at his bar so I wasn’t like I was just free loading. Plus, I’m sitting with the other comics so he obviously knew I was a comic. Since I’m his paid entertainment for his Tuesday night crowd, couldn’t he cut me a little slack? Regardless of whether I’m his entertainment for the night, couldn’t he have taken a little softer line with me? Would an ounce of respect and decency been so much to ask? Lots of questions I know. I kinda felt bad about walking out on the show but in hindsight…not really. Comics get disrespected all the time. We have the hardest job in the room but we get treated like we are a nuisance. We are underpaid, underappreciated, and basically considered an expendable commodity. Well guess what buddy…me and my $10 pizza will never step foot in your “establishment” again. Good luck with that. I hope the next time someone tries to drop a deuce at your filthy pub, they do it on your face.

I still can’t believe tonight….I drove 40 miles and paid $10 to take a dump at the worst pizza restaurant ever. Herndon, you’re dead to me.

Upgrade to awkward.

22 02 2012

I went skiing this past weekend with actor/comedian/ladies man, Sean Gabbert. When checking into the resort, the clerk was happy to let us know our room had been upgraded to a suite but we’d still be getting the regular rate. Sean joked, “I hope it’s a honeymoon suite.” The clerk proudly confirmed that it was indeed a honeymoon suite equipped with a jacuzzi and sauna. I coyly replied, “hopefully, it’s a heart-shaped jacuzzi..” Again, the clerk proudly replied, “yes, it does have a heart-shaped jacuzzi along with a king bed.”

So basically what you’re telling me is that you upgraded us to awkward. As you can see, Sean and I did not share the jacuzzi but we did share the bed. Sean is also a sleep talker but this weekend he was  more of a sleep yeller. I kept waking up wondering why he was so angry with me.

I love to ski but I typically only go a couple of times a year so I never reach expert level. Still, I managed to not hurt myself which for me is a huge accomplishment. Skiing is an incredibly humbling sport and I think the main reason for this is not because it is particularly difficult to do but more because little kids are really good at it. I couldn’t even tell you how many times I was plodding my way down a black diamond when a 10-year-old comes flying past me while hitting every single jump on the slope at about mach 3.

Speaking of awkward, I’ve got some one nighters coming up in Virginia. As a comic, you just never know what to expect when you get booked at one of these shows. Best case scenario: the “comedy show” is held in a separate room and contains the basic requirements; a mic, a sound system, a stage, a light, and audience members. Worse case scenario; no mic, no sound system, performing right in front of the bar with the basketball game being showed directly overhead. I remember years and  years ago I did an open mic with no sound system so the comics just held a mic in their hand with no cord attached to it. Hahaha! I’m literally LOLing at this wretched memory.

I just came up with my next blog idea….hell gigs. I’m going to recount my top 5 worst gigs ever and dedicate one blog per gig and count down from 5….this should be fun.