www.jonmumma.com

I just got finished with a tiring yet splendid, yes splendid, weekend of comedy. I featured for Kevin Pollak at Magooby’s Joke House from Thursday through Saturday. All the shows were fantastic although the late Saturday show holds a special place in my heart for being extra….special. Kevin is a tremendous character actor but he got his start as a standup comedian. After working in over 50 feature films, he is still hitting the stage when he’s not acting. Pretty cool.

I have to say that everytime I work Magooby’s the club gets better. The owner, Andrew Unger, is constantly making upgrades. In just the past year I’ve seen changes in the lighting, the sound, new paint job, show production, new green room, club policies, and promotions. He pays attention to all the small details  that help comedians and make their work much easier. Nicely done, sir.

On Sunday, I stopped by the DC Improv to catch old buddy Rory Scovel and new buddy, Todd Glass. I met Rory at the 5th open mic I ever attended and amazingly we have managed to keep in touch over the past 7  years. Rory has pretty much been on the road for the better part of 5  years and his hard work is paying off. In just the past year he was on Jimmy Fallon, Conan, two national commercials, and just filmed a comedy central presents. Yet, he is still the same silly, humble guy. Love him.

Rory is also good friends with Todd Glass. I opened for Todd my 3rd year of comedy but it wasn’t until a few months ago that we actually hung out. Todd Glass may be the silliest person I have ever met. He may also be the most fun person on earth. He has the ability to basically make friends with the entire audience in an hour. Its difficult to explain but I encourage all 11 of my blog followers to check him out next time he is in town.

Here is a teaser clip of the PBS show “The Truth About Money” show that was filmed at the DC Improv last week. Money!

I intended to start a series of blogs discussing my worst gigs ever but decided to delay that release to discuss a very frustrating evening. I was booked to close a show at Finnegan’s Bar in Herndon, VA. The show was scheduled to start at 9:30pm which in the comedy world means 10pm so I expected a late night. The minute I arrive I asked where the show would take place and was pointed towards the stage which was located directly in front of the bar and beneath two wide screens. It is hilarious that I just mentioned this setup in my previous blog…it is the classic bar comedy show set up. I’ve seen it 100 times. I’ve done it 100 times. Whatever.

At this point, I was feeling a tad nauseous and my stomach was hurting so I asked for the bathroom location. A fellow comic pointed the way and I quickly made my way to there. Without getting too graphic, lets just say my ailment would require some private time. Fortunately, the bathroom stall was a filthy mess and the lock didn’t work. Not only did it not work but the stall door would just swing open on its hinge without even being pushed. There was absolutely ZERO chance I was going to conduct business under those circumstances. Conveniently, this was the only stall on the premises. Great design. So, I informed a fellow comic that I was going to walk across the street to find a bathroom.

Unfortunately, just about every establishment was closed except for Zpizza. As I walked inside I realized there was a public bathroom but it was located all the way in the back and I would have to walk right by the staff to get to it. Considering the damage I was about to inflict on the toilet, I felt rude to just walk in there and unload my cargo without at least buying something. So, even though I wasn’t hungry, I paid $10 for a small pizza for the rights to use their bathroom. Trust me when I say, “time was of the essence.” Plus, can you imagine the stories these guys would tell about me if I hadn’t bought the pizza? They would talk forever about the time the psycho walked into their parlor, DESTROYED the commode, and walked right out. I had to buy the pizza….it was the right thing to do.

I pinched a loaf, grabbed the pizza, and walked over the Finnegan’s. I sat down at the comic’s table and asked if they wanted the pizza since I really wasn’t even hungry. Immediately, the owner/manager/bartender guy pounced on me. I don’t remember his exact words but they involved several F-bombs while he told me to get rid of the pizza or get out of his bar. I was immediately enraged. I tried for about 30 seconds to explain to him that his non-functioning stall could be blamed for the entire incident and if he had been more attentive to his bar, the situation could have been avoided. Not surprisingly, the conversation went nowhere. Plus, I sorta dropped the whole thing as I had made up my mind at minute .36  I was leaving.

I apologized to the other comics and took my pizza home. On the way home, while raging, I decided to sample the mushroom pizza. It was easily the worst pizza I have ever eaten which is hard to imagine considering I have an incredible tolerance for crappy pizza. It tasted like a diaper. Absolutely wretched.

In looking back at tonight, I really can’t blame the bar owner/manager guy for taking umbrage with me bringing a pizza into his establishment. However, he could easily see that I had ordered a drink at his bar so I wasn’t like I was just free loading. Plus, I’m sitting with the other comics so he obviously knew I was a comic. Since I’m his paid entertainment for his Tuesday night crowd, couldn’t he cut me a little slack? Regardless of whether I’m his entertainment for the night, couldn’t he have taken a little softer line with me? Would an ounce of respect and decency been so much to ask? Lots of questions I know. I kinda felt bad about walking out on the show but in hindsight…not really. Comics get disrespected all the time. We have the hardest job in the room but we get treated like we are a nuisance. We are underpaid, underappreciated, and basically considered an expendable commodity. Well guess what buddy…me and my $10 pizza will never step foot in your “establishment” again. Good luck with that. I hope the next time someone tries to drop a deuce at your filthy pub, they do it on your face.

I still can’t believe tonight….I drove 40 miles and paid $10 to take a dump at the worst pizza restaurant ever. Herndon, you’re dead to me.

I went skiing this past weekend with actor/comedian/ladies man, Sean Gabbert. When checking into the resort, the clerk was happy to let us know our room had been upgraded to a suite but we’d still be getting the regular rate. Sean joked, “I hope it’s a honeymoon suite.” The clerk proudly confirmed that it was indeed a honeymoon suite equipped with a jacuzzi and sauna. I coyly replied, “hopefully, it’s a heart-shaped jacuzzi..” Again, the clerk proudly replied, “yes, it does have a heart-shaped jacuzzi along with a king bed.”

So basically what you’re telling me is that you upgraded us to awkward. As you can see, Sean and I did not share the jacuzzi but we did share the bed. Sean is also a sleep talker but this weekend he was  more of a sleep yeller. I kept waking up wondering why he was so angry with me.

I love to ski but I typically only go a couple of times a year so I never reach expert level. Still, I managed to not hurt myself which for me is a huge accomplishment. Skiing is an incredibly humbling sport and I think the main reason for this is not because it is particularly difficult to do but more because little kids are really good at it. I couldn’t even tell you how many times I was plodding my way down a black diamond when a 10-year-old comes flying past me while hitting every single jump on the slope at about mach 3.

Speaking of awkward, I’ve got some one nighters coming up in Virginia. As a comic, you just never know what to expect when you get booked at one of these shows. Best case scenario: the “comedy show” is held in a separate room and contains the basic requirements; a mic, a sound system, a stage, a light, and audience members. Worse case scenario; no mic, no sound system, performing right in front of the bar with the basketball game being showed directly overhead. I remember years and  years ago I did an open mic with no sound system so the comics just held a mic in their hand with no cord attached to it. Hahaha! I’m literally LOLing at this wretched memory.

I just came up with my next blog idea….hell gigs. I’m going to recount my top 5 worst gigs ever and dedicate one blog per gig and count down from 5….this should be fun.

I just finished a weekend at the DC Improv with local masher Tim Miller and headliner Jim Jeffries (the other white guy). It was an interesting weekend with an interesting crowd. In many instances, a crowd will be a mix of ages, ethnicities, sex, and tastes but such was not the case this weekend. Each show was sold out and each crowd member was there to see one person…Jim Jeffries. He has a loyal fan base and it is comprised mostly of 20/30 something white guys who enjoy drinking.

However, the crowds were pretty tame for the most part except for a boisterous Friday late show. I mixed up my jokes a little bit to accomodate for the crowd’s taste and had fun on the shows. Tim Miller was great as usual and it was nice to have a buddy on the show. Jim Jeffries is a fabulous story teller and a seasoned performer. He was also a gentleman offstage and easy to talk to in the greeenroom during and after shows.

Usually, I hang out a bit after the shows but this week I was feeling particularly drained and left the club after my last set of the night on both the Friday and Saturday shows. I did hang around after the Sunday show and made the poor decision to make myself available for unnecessary conversation with a particularly annoying drunk girl. I knew she was trouble the minute she walked over to me. Almost immediately I sensed her comedic critique of my performance looming over our conversation. To paraphrase, she said something like, “You started out really slow but then made me laugh and you should be proud because it’s really HARD to make ME laugh.”

I thought about replying with, “Oh wow, had I known YOU were going to be here I would have stepped up my game at the beginning of the set.” But, her glazed over eyes and unintelligent disposition told me that the sarcasm would have flown over her greasy head and she would have instead begun patting herself on the back for somehow contributing to the show. So instead I told her that “…I perform at my own pace, not hers” and walked away.

The ridiculous thing is that she was not nearly pretty enough to be that annoying. If she was a 10, she might have bought herself an extra 45 seconds…but a 10 she was not. A drunk, annoying 5 1/2 gets you less than a minute with this guy.

Jon, that’s mean and mysoginistic! No, its not.

A sober and interesting 3 gets you a pleasant conversation with me for as long as you’d like.

Jon,  you’re being arrogant.

Again, you’re wrong. I didn’t go up to you to start the conversation. Not once have I ever intentionally picked out an audience member to discuss the participation in the show. “Hey man, I noticed you didn’t laugh much at the beginning of the show but then later you seemed to laugh more….just wanted to let you know.”

Jon,  you’re being sensitive. You think? Probably, but I’m trying to make you laugh while reading this and if I don’t take extreme offence to the situation I dont’ feel like it will be a funny read.

Also shocking was the fact that this annoying girl’s boyfriend was standing right there and didn’t put his girlfriend in check. Unnaceptable. I hope that girl reads this, becomes offended, tells her boyfriend and then he dumps her. Your welcome, guy.

Last weekend I traveled to New York to audition for the Montreal Just For Laughs comedy festival. The venue was the Creek and the Cave and was definitely a unique atmosphere. I’ve performed at a lot of different place (see my bio for the short list) but typically I perform at clubs and bars. The Creek and the Cave is more of a tiny, black box theatre that probably seats about 30 people comfortably. I was fairly happy with my set although performing 6 minutes sets in definitely not my strength. If anything, performing there showed me that I need to prepare myself better for short showcase sets because it is nothing like performing a feature or headlining set and you should really perform completely differently.

New York City is very depressing to me. I’ve only been there a few times and it always gives me the same feeling of gloom. The only way to describe it is Frodo and Sam’s journey to Mordor in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I know exactly why I feel this way too…lack of plant life. My wife can confirm this. Either I have some type of condition or I am just really country because if I go more than a day without seeing trees and plants, I get depressed and angry.

Upcoming stuff: This Thursday I’ll be performing at the Arlington Drafthouse Lounge and on Saturday I’ll be headling a CoolCow Productions show in Fredericksburg, Va. Finally, next Sunday and Monday, daddy is going to skiing and is hoping to not damage his old, frail body.

Last Saturday night I performed on an audition showcase for the Late Show at the Arlington Cinema and Drafthouse. The lineup was really good and some of my personal favorite local comics were on the show. Additionally, the show was well attended and the crowd was great. I thought all the comics did well and Herbie Gill did a nice job hosting. I was happy with my set and enjoyed my 6 minutes of stage time. Am I going to be booked for Letterman anytime soon? No. Did I think I would be? No. But, I did get to talk to the Late Night comedy booker and received some nice feedback from him afterwards. Without going into details, apparently, I’m funny but with only several new comedians booked per year…I’m not cracking the lineup. I’ll take it.

I also performed at the Drafthouse’s Friday night showcase in front of a medium energy crowd of 14. The show was alright…there was some fun to be had with the crowd. There was a tall, white, d-bag standing by the bar during the show and I did not care for his face. He tried talking to the other comics a time or too and he definitely fell into the “I’m gonna play with the comics a little and impress the girl I’m with” guy. It didn’t work. He never really engaged with me although I was secretly hoping he would. His face was annoying and I was a little surly that night. It’s probably for the best though…I didn’t feel particularly funny that night and I’m nearly positive that “surly Jon” wouldn’t have won the crowd over.

Happy News: I received a callback audition for the Montreal Just for Laughs Festival in February. I’m very excited about this. The JFL Festival is a holy grail of sorts to young comics and being invited to it would definitely be a nice landmark for my career. Honestly, I’m pretty happy just to receive the callback invitation because it shows I’m progressing. Plus, it’s an excuse to spend a weekend in New York City and catch up with some old friends. This guy…excited.

I’ve got some cool shows coming up so check my schedule page for the links. I am at the Arlington Drafthouse yet again this weekend featuring for Ian Bagg on Friday and Saturday night. I was on a showcase many, many years ago at the Hollywood Improv and Ian was hosting that night. I guarantee he doesn’t remember me but I remember him. He talks to the crowd….a lot. And, he’s very good at it. If he can see you, he will talk to you and he will make it funny. I’m also headlining the Avalon Theatre in Easton, MD next week. My good buddy, Mike Way will also be on the show and working with him is always a pleasure.

I’ve got some fun projects coming up but I will save that news for future blogs. I have been writing quite a bit lately and will be checking out locals shows more often over the next couple months to work on the material….so, check out Ri Ra  bar and grill or Topaz hotel if you want to witness the evolution of a mediocre joke.

“I don’t want to debate with you.” This thought runs through my head at least once a day. Local DC comic Brian Parise has a hilarious joke about divisive social issues and how he will agree with whatever someone says just so he doesn’t have to have a conversation about it. So true.

The biggest offence for me is politics. I don’t like politics. I don’t understand politics. I don’t take enough interest in politics to have an intelligent conversation and gladly admit it. I am also annoyed that you care so much about it and want to convince me of something you believe in. ”What are you, Democrat or Republican?” I am neither. I don’t really see the difference? I am anti-dirtbag. Show a politician who is not a scumbag and I’ll vote for him or her. Can we talk about something else?

Religion is another one. I am a Christian. I try very hard not to be an obxoxious one. If you ask me what I believe in, I am happy to tell you and will tell you why I believe it if you ask me. However, please don’t ask me what religion I am just so you can open the door for conversation and thus try to convince me Jesus doesn’t exit. Or, start droning on about how organized religion has started every war in the history of the world. Ummm, you’re probably right but what does that have to do with me? Am I starting wars because I go to church on Sunday. Ahhhh tricky! You’re sucking me into your agenda….and I’m out.

Sports. I follow NFL football and not much else. I also love NFL football and generally enjoy talking about it. However I don’t want to debate issues that cannot possibly be proved with quantitative analysis. Example: “Dan Marino was the greatest quarterback ever because he passed for the most yards. No, Joe Montana was the greatest quarterback because he won four Superbowl. Yeah, but Terry Bradshaw won four Superbowl too. Yeah, but Joe Montana passed for more yards. And….I’m out.”

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy discussing a mutual topic of interest with anyone as long as you don’t try to prove something to me. In the history of conversation, how many times has this actually worked? Where two people totally disagree on something but miraculously, after an hour of discussion, one of them totally agrees with the other’s point of view.Like….never. So why even begin the debate?

So how do we deal with this issue without coming across like a jerk. I suppose I could just say politely, “I’d rather not debate this with you, could we please talk about something else?” That’s not too jerky but I feel like it comes across as a little smug. I’m also not sure if I used the term “smug” appropriately just now. I’d prefer to skip all of that and just change the subject to food. Who doesn’t like food? Who doesn’t like to talk about food? If you don’t like food, than you’re probably a bad person who doesn’t have many friends. Think about it, if someone says to you, “dude, I ate the best burrito yesterday!” Immediately I wanna know more. Try this, people, I encourage it.

Boring, annoying debater: “What’s your take on Obama’s foreign policy because this is what I think…
Me: “Hey sorry to cut you off but have you ever eaten bacon? I think its amazing.

There you go, folks. You’re welcome. I try to do good things.

Best Regards,
Jonathan

Seriously, how scared are you right now? That’s Alonzo Bodden and me playing bouncer at the DC Improv. I’m fearless. Mostly because Alonzo is a large man with an intimidating presence and he’s standing next to me. I was considering smack talking strangers just to see how they would react…I’m pretty sure that as long as we appeared to be friends, there would be no back talk.

My week with Alonzo was an absolute pleasure. He is a true veteran of the craft, a gentleman, and extremely funny. He attracts a fairly diverse audience of race, age, and sex which typically makes for a good audience. We did six shows and I had fun on every single one of them. The audiences were pretty tame and most of the shows were sold out. I did experience a new type of heckler on the Saturday late show. Periodically throughout my set, as I was telling one of my tales, an inebriated woman in the front row would say to me, ” Not true, didn’t happen,” and then she would lean back in her chair with her arms folded and stare at me condescendingly. I actually found this hilarious. I’ve experienced all types of hecklers; the belligerent drunk, the jealous boyfriend, the attention starved socialite, the obnoxious bridal party, the “I’m funnier than you” guy, and the incredibly rare “I have a mental disorder” person. But, this lady changed the game. I’m not really even sure what to call her….the “I don’t believe you” heckler? I’m not sure that she completely understands what happens at a standup comedy show. It’s not a conference or a briefing which is primarily based on facts and research. Maybe she would have preferred if I pulled up a Powerpoint slide deck and bullet pointed my punch lines to clarify things a bit. Ridiculous.

Last night was the Montreal Just For Laughs audition at the DC Improv as well. It was nice to catch up with some old friends that I don’t see too often anymore. I didn’t see all the comics perform because the room was packed and daddy gets uncomfortable when he’s smashed up against other people. So, I just kind of popped in and out of the showroom until my time slot. Each comic performed 5 minutes of comedy which can been tough because that’s no a lot of time to build up the energy of the room. So, it teaches you to get to the point quickly and find the funny as fast as possible. I did get to see Mike Way perform because he went right before me and as usual, he was great.

I remember when I first started doing standup, the comedy scene was so competitive and at times this annoyed me. In my opinion, competition can be a good thing in that it motivates you to continue writing and challenging yourself on stage. But, I also thing it can stunt your evolution because you find yourself being too affected by others performances. Last night was pretty awesome in that the show didn’t seem like a competition, just a bunch of comics hanging out and having fun together. I believe the word I’m looking for is camaraderie.

I’ve got a couple of weeks off for the holidays and then I’ll be back onstage at Magooby’s Joke House on January 13-14. Happy Holidays, eggnog face!